Do you have friend? Of course you do. Yes, we have lots of friend around us. Good friend, best friend, childhood friend, seasonal friend, nominal friend, friend with benefit…etc. Whatever you called it. But do really like them? Do you trust them?
I always believe in any relationships between two individual required trust and respect. They are fundamental. Of course, there are other aspects like interest, hobbies …etc. We want to have company, to feel sense of belonging. We become friend for various reasons… but hardly one unconditional. Unfortunately there are so called friends who we decide to call ‘jerk’ because they are hazardous. A friendship is mutual and reciprocal. It has to be balance for it to be healthy. Friendship is that kind of relationship that seep into our life, career, family …it hits a great impact.
Firstly, to clarify my position, I’m not an expert of psychology, sociology–or anything on that line of profession. Exactly, I’m a victim of a toxic friendship. I’m not sure if I can view myself a survivor but certainly I’m in reflection-mode now.
Whatever I discussed here is purely based on my personal experience and nothing to do with personal attack on any particular person. I put forwards my apology for anyone felt offended by my words. Truth can be cruel if to be heard.
I see a friendship turned toxic when it is unequal, demanding, unreliable, and stressful-physically and mentally.
“The phrase ‘toxic friend’ is pop psychology. I would say it’s someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you — sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they’re not very good for you.” says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist.
Yet, ironically we still keep them for whatever reasons and at the same time dissed them so hard. We complained about them all the time. It’s getting more harmful when friends started to back stab each other, criticized, belittle and eventually filled the surrounding with poisonous-negative sense.
The saddest part will always be when we do absolutely nothing about it. Because we know to let a friend know he/she causes us to be angry, frustrated, fooled, pissed off…etc will only cause a bigger problem or ends everything in a war. As a consequence, we harbor on it with similar negative characteristic just like them and becoming a great actor/actress.
“Liar, liar, pants on fire!”
Get to know my toxic friend real person made me felt betrayed and cheated. I realized the trick is simple. He/she being excessively nice to people and by that he/she cultivates trust from people. So whenever you spot something, you indirectly covered up with all those deceptive goodness. There’s no honesty.
Yes, sometimes I bluffed to crack a joke but it’s all about to spend quality time with friends. But his/her bluff is way too far! The fact that he/she not helping or unconstructive was alright with me. However, to call me a retard or idiot just because I refused to follow his/her silly advice in grave issues just unbearable. Why want to impress so hard? As friend we learn to respect our shortcoming, we may help if appropriate, otherwise we zip up and tolerate. We show respect. I admit I’m not that great either. But I know I do my part and show proper effort.
I tried to let him/her to notice/realize, my attempt was futile. His/her mind too much to understand,…one-dimensional?, turn a deaf ear, or worst, turn the table and accused me to be the one with problem. I guess I’m too naïve. I got to call it a quit. Logically, i can’t expect people to change me, so silly me try do it to him/her. After all it is just too complicated to deal with human’s behaviour.
I guess it turns out rather abusive and one sided. Since I discovered all just a jabber I started to back away. Perhaps I should just walk away. At any rate, I have being a ‘good friend’ to him/her enough to put up with all the nonsense for such a long time. I realized everyone needs each others. It’s a big mistake to over-focus on one. It’s a balancing act!
That doesn’t mean I’m acting selfish or hate them. I’m simply start taking care of myself. Personally, I don’t think it’s wise for me to destroy myself for a friend’s sake. Trust me, you can’t afford that too. The stake is high. (I’m not the great, noble or that honourable to do so.) Certainly, I want to get along well with friends, want people to like me but I am responsible to myself. I’m comfortable with the direction i’m heading now.
“Ultimately, you want to feel good about your friends, not dread their ridicule. You want the right amount of reciprocity of affection and assistance in a friendship. So if you’ve got a friend who is always in need, always in trouble, always wants to talk about her problems, then there isn’t any reciprocity if there isn’t any room for you in the friendship. It doesn’t have to be 50-50 every minute, but overall there should be some kind of balance in which you feel you are getting your needs met, and so is she.” Florence Isaacs, author, Toxic Friends/True Friends, New York City.
We can choose friends but we can’t predict how it turns out. But we can decide how to end it.
“The heart is deceitful above all things. And it is incurable; who can know it?”
Friendships can always being tested.
Having said that, I believe we still have friends that we treasure and worth to be called ‘friend’. Appreciate them while it still last.