25th day of January 1971
Charles Manson and 3 women followers convicted of Tate-LaBianca murders.
Dear …. if you ever reading this…
It has been more than 5 months, since that one crashing Sunday of July 2012. I can’t forget about you. Standing alone, hiding behind that shadow of sorrow, the sad longing builds up. I’m deleted and erased from your world. You have left me unforgettable memories and scars. What do i do? Do i find pleasure to be in addiction of that unmendable sadness and torturous feelings? I keep on running, i keep on dripping tears, i keep on drinking and it seems i can’t never go far from you. I can’t stop missing you. Life shouldn’t be that miserable. Life is about happiness…but what, where, how …
I always think if we can turn our time back. If we can start all over again. If i can do better than i then was. If i can put everything right. If i can put aside my guilt. If i can see only you. If i can reach you right now. If we can feel us again… If …
I learn about love because of you. I learn to care because of you. I learn to be strong because of you. I learn to be clean because of you. I am now felt almost crazy because of you. That’s why…that’s why i really hate you… I miss you so much…
Because i can’t erase you, I will smile again. I will try to live each day well.
” And if my life is for rent and i don’t learn to buy, well i deserve nothing more than i get, ’cause nothing i have is truly mine…”
Let’s go down to business. I hate the smell of betrayer and i hate being betrayed. It sounds disgusted. It’s gross. It’s awful. Just by saying the word I’m almost vomit now. Simple rule is that i trust you and you return the same.
Whatever happened to me today annoyed me greatly. I get so screwed by the person i trust the most. It’s office politic but i never intended to join any side. In the end, i’m the black cat. I actually being deceived into making a decision i otherwise wouldn’t. Fortunately i managed to do some damage control but how about that person? What do you do?
Should i be Impaler, Count Dracula or Gentlemen, Count of Monte Cristo? Betrayer shouldn’t go unpunished.
Alright, not let my emotions swipe away. At least I want to act like i am wise… i think the best thing to do now is to shut up. Yes, as simple as that. Afterall, the porridge has burned. My gut telling me it’s not worth to get a knife and fight back. The most, i’ll be more cautious and diligent in doing whatever i’m doing. What else?
It’s the 2nd day of 2013. It’s a cold morning. I’m stiff and barely move any parts of my limb. Ah, the blanket must have weight tonnes for me to struggle and to clean myself. I do remember it’ll be an energetic day with a long list of things to do. It may seem too much for a day but i made up my mind to finish them as much as it permissible. Off i went moving every muscles trying to complete every task. Here and there…up and down…finally evening greets me. I looked at the list and there are 5 more items to accomplish. Time never waits. Seeing everyone leaving the office, I know I’ll just follow suit. Bang! I’m just lazy. Lazywillie…
It’s quiet on the way home. Once a while I dazed off on the beautiful shinny evening, and sometimes it popped out in my mind “will I be satisfied with my life at here?”. Relocated and return home, to stay with my parents again has not being an easy decision. Mostly think that I’m either crazy or just donkey. I doubt how many are actually optimistic with my choice. But I’m grateful, knowing that my parents care so much about me. That’s enough for a reason. I left behind a bustling, energetic and vibrant city’s life, bunch of good friends and every experience that city may offer. Now I’m all alone in this quiet little town except family and few long distance friends. Unfortunately, it has been 3 months and I yet to find someone like mind, someone who can tune to my channel. Somehow, I manage to find way to entertain my dear lonely heart. I have good prospect in term of living a proper life. For sure I’m closer to the mother nature and my health has dramatically improved.
I feel that this year can be another turning point in my life. It may not be big but something that can be fulfilling. I don’t wish something too big, not to be greedy but I still have dreams and I wish they will come true. How things will work out, I have no clue yet but I trust my dear Lord shall guide me somehow. I do not want to get lazy and roll over 2013. I learn that the world is abundant. It has so much to offer and I believe so.
Today is the last day of year 2012. The world has not end. Life goes as usual. Same shit different day. It’s a new year soon. Well, i have not giving up in anything i’m doing right now except for my forbidden past. I got really good feeling about 2013. Things will change soon. I believe flower will blossom. Instead of hoping the coming year to treat me well, i think i will treat myself really well and try to live a fulfilling life again. I want to write here more often. As long as i keep writing, this page will stay alive. For myself and for everyone out there,” the fact is, that to do something in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can.” Robert Cushing. Happy New Year peeps!
I’m sick … and I felt really bad because I’m all alone. Staying with 2 other dudes under one roof doesn’t change anything. I still have to care everything by myself. It takes strength to drive myself to nearest clinic. No way to cook and I have to buy food. I hate when I have to be selective with them too. Well, there’s no other choice if I want to get well soon. Just rest and sleep for most of the day. Probably back to work by tomorrow.
Now, I really do feel ‘2 is better than 1’.